As a kid, you probably pouted about it or gave a cursory “thank you” before tearing into your next present. But as an adult, you have a responsibility to accept gifts with grace and class, says Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Texas.
“You’re thanking them for the effort. You’re not thanking them for the gift,” she says. “The gift is secondary. It’s the thought and the effort and the love that counts.”
Here’s what to do if you receive a gift that isn’t necessarily the right thing.
You’ve torn off the paper and opened the box and — surprise! — it’s something that isn’t right. Smiling and saying “thank you” is baseline etiquette, but are you allowed to say anything else?
“It depends on your relationship with that person. It depends on their temperament,” says Gottsman. “You have to read the room.”
If it’s someone you don’t know very well, a sincere “thank you” will suffice. If someone you know well has given you the wrong thing, you’re not out of line for asking if an exchange might be possible.
“If it’s, say, the shirt that doesn’t fit, you might say, ‘Oh my gosh, this is lovely. But I have to tell you — would you mind if I switched it for the right size?'”
Sometimes a swap is out of the question. You’ve received something that you simply do not want.
When you get home, your first step is to write a thank you card, says Gottsman. “You appreciate them thinking of you during the holiday season,” she says. “You don’t have to lie, but you can thank them for their effort and mention the gift.”
After that, the rules of etiquette dictate that the gift is yours to do as you please. The tea kettle your friend gave you might be lovely, but if you’re a coffee drinker, it’s your prerogative to donate it to a charitable organization, says Gottsman.
Your other option is regifting — a move that requires transparency and tact, Gottsman says.
“If you regift it, you need to be honest, and say, ‘listen, I received a tea kettle, and I know you love tea. I would like for you to have it if you think you could use it,'” Gottsman says.
To avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, be sure to avoid regifting anything within the same group of friends, Gottsman says. You don’t want word getting back to the original gift giver whose feelings could be hurt.
“I always say, regift in another city,” Gottsman says.
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