Haliey Welch, a 21-year-old from Tennessee, was dubbed the “Hawk Tuah” girl after appearing in a viral video in which she used onomatopoeia to describe an oral sex tip. The Onion sat down with Welch to discuss social media, fame, and the next steps for her career.
The Onion: What other noises can you make?
Welch: Chugga-chugga choo-choo!
The Onion: How long do you expect your fame to last?
Welch: At the very least, until my U-Haul gets to L.A.
The Onion: Can you explain what you meant by “spit on that thang”?
Welch: It’s a reference to the ritualized humiliation of the corpses of fascist dictator Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci by a Milanese mob, who mocked and spat on their dead bodies in the Piazzale Loreto.
The Onion: How much “Hawk Tuah” merchandise have you sold to date?
Welch: Answering that would only depress everyone.
The Onion: What do you think people would be surprised to learn about you?
Welch: I’ve only ever seen one penis, and I was so frightened by it, I panicked and smashed it with a solid brass paper weight.
The Onion: What’s next for you?
Welch: A brand deal with a throat numbing spray and a four-episode arc on a Netflix reality dating show.
The Onion: What advice would you like to give to your fans?
Welch: You are not your thoughts, but rather the observer of your thoughts. The self you cling to is but a peripheral glimpse of the bloody machine of your mind at work.
The Onion: Has going viral changed the way men interact with you at all?
Welch: No, every interaction is still bad.
The Onion: Any dark secrets you want to just get out in the open before the internet finds them?
Welch: Oh, just some pretty standard Tennessee stuff, like a drunk-driving hit-and-run.
